I got up at 5am and meditated and worked out with some stretching and yoga until around 6am and then i went for a run while it was still dark out. It was humid and warm considering it’s February in Missouri. I try to run so i don’t think of her and i can clear my head and then my damn belly got all itchy this morning! It got itchy just like it did when we had really good sex…usually when i was on top. I couldn’t stop thinking about her!! I had lots of good feeling thoughts this morning though and only shed a few tears when i was aware that i was creating doubt and tried stopping it. When i no longer doubt that she loves me as much as i know she does, when i stop doubting that we will be together and everything will work out and trust that it’s already working out then she will be ready. Isn’t it fucking crazy that create doubt and resistance to our greatest and truest desires!?!?! Why do we do that?! Where and when in our lives did society condition us to think that we aren’t worthy or deserving enough of love or our greatest desires?! Maybe some folks don’t go through this…but i have been taught that i’m not good enough, i always fail and i don’t deserve to be happy or have fun. I have worked through to resolve most of that…but there is still some deep seeded pain from being told that your entire life! It has caused mistrust, paranoia and insecurities that have obviously affected the most important relationship i have ever had. I don’t want for my kids to go through the same shit i did and i want them to be strong, confident and capable and i have to feel that myself again to be able teach them. My Twin Flame is the greatest teacher when it comes to that and has helped me become aware and not let the cycle continue. I love her even more for that….
I feel really in alignment today and energy is flowing and i’m open to receiving love, my desires are manifesting, my guides will continue to show me signs and synchronisities to know i’m on the right path. I stumbled upon this site yesterday that addresses the pain and suffering that Twin Flames go through: Starseed and JB: Twin Flames in Union. If you are going through a Twin Flame separation or Runner/Chaser phase i highly suggest you check it out. I can’t not think of my Twin Flame and when i try to avoid thinking about her it just brings more thinking about her. So i’m totally embracing it and instead of trying not to think of her or getting upset when i do, i’m thinking of all the good things and it’s been making me happy remembering all the good times we had together as a couple, as a family and being part of her family and the wonderful things she did with us and for us. I try to stay in the feeling of what it feels like to be loved by her and what it feels like when we are together as a family. It helps, but i still have to battle the feelings of doubt, loss, rejection and abandonment when they come up and they’re constantly coming up. I have been just trying to acknowledge it and let it go and not allow or feel the negative emotion for more than 16 seconds. It only takes less than 16 seconds to build up enough negative momentum to manifest the very things we don’t want with our own thinking. We are constantly sabotaging and cancelling out our desires with doubt and fear. I’m trying to get better at getting the train of good feeling momentum going instead of the negative emotions or feelings. I have been going with thoughts that are the least resistant like, “I’m getting better and better and staying in alignment everyday and i’m becoming more aware and more focused with my intentions and desires”. When i’m thinking of my Twin Flame instead of feeding into doubt this morning, i asked my guides for strength and asked her guides to give her strength and help us both be open to receiving love.
I keep going back to the beginning when we were both the happiest and in alignment and i keep thinking about the chakra spinny’s and when we merged chakras and wonder why we quit doing that because it kept us so connected? We must have both been emotionally and spiritually open enough to experience that with each other and we did it several times for months, so we can do it again! I wouldn’t want to experience that kind of intense and intimate magic with anyone else anyway. So i am going to do lots of work on my chakras, Kundalini energy, balancing my chakra’s, clearing negative energy and cutting any cords and then teach my kids what i learn. I will see if my Twin Flame will notice or she will be open or receptive to merging chakra’s again to see if we can do it again?! I’m kind of excited to see and eager for her to try it again, too. We did it before without even knowing really what we were even doing, we just felt our way through it and it was usually followed by the most amazing love making we ever had. I want to try this time without any expectations of intimacy except for the intimacy created by the magic that happens. I want to learn how to continue doing this with her and learn how to harness that power and utilize it to uplift our vibration and energy. I know that Tantra has been one method used for thousands of years. My Twin Flame would be open to that at some point when we are sexually intimate again. She has prolly even thought of it or wanted to try it with someone at some point and i want to try it with her.
I have wanted to have Tantric sex but never had a partner that i wanted to be that vulnerable with besides her and i was kinda of scared to ask her because i didn’t know if she would be open to it after some comments she made. I feel like she doesn’t believe or doubts our own power and is skeptical of spiritual or paranormal experiences that has happened to me or things i have experienced in past and have shared with her. I felt like she judged me or thought it was hoaky and i would get ashamed of myself when i wanted to ask her if she would be open to Tantra…it was my own insecurities because she certainly isn’t vanilla thank gawd and is pretty open minded most of the time. If it didn’t work with someone else in past i would be less likely to try it now and she is the person i’m supposed to have that experience with. I found the love of my lifetime, people search all of their lives and have dozens of partners and never get to experience what we have. The hardest part is over with, we finally found each other now we just have to wait some more until we are both ready. We have done a lot of waiting in this relationship!! At least it won’t be ten years again….